23 July 2014

Because




I've been here in Kansas for six weeks. I still love it. The locals get a little pissy when I make fun of their “small town” (it's the 6th largest town in the state). A town of about 90k is not small. When I go to classes in Topeka, I learn a lot about the tax laws in the state, and how different it is from California. Of course I noticed the sales tax and personal property tax were higher right away, but income tax is lower, and going down (with the goal of being eliminated). And the Topekans love to tell me how liberal Lawrence is. It's true. Lawrence is the Democratic center of the state. I like learning about my town. There's a lot of historical significance here in the Civil War era because of the wrest between pro-slavery men and the anti-slavery Kansans. There were a lot of Missourians who flooded the polls and voted in favour of slavery to swing the vote. Voter fraud is nothing new.

But when I tell other people I moved to Kansas, immediately, the response is a reaction of almost disgust. Like. "Eww. Kansas. Why would you move where there are rednecks and corn fields and country music?"

When I tell the locals, they just ask how I like it. For the most part, they are incredibly friendly. The reaction when I tell them I'm from San Diego is even better. They're proud I've come here. And they know why I would. Because they can see it too. They don't need me to explain it.

And I'm not going to try to explain it to the people who question me without really wanting to know why. They don't matter. I have my reasons. And they are fluid. One day it's just because I hated where I grew up. One day it's because this is where I have opportunity. One day it's because I spent a week in the Midwest once and I loved it. But every day it's the sum of those parts. And they make a heck of a reason to be here.

I wonder how much better the air is. There is so much less concrete and so much more green. Everywhere. There are woods all over. How much more photosynthesis happens here? How much less smog do I breathe? How much healthier are my lungs? I know I'm healthier, because woods make me want to walk to them, and so I do, and last week I walked some 13 or 14 miles.

It doesn't matter what your ideal place is. I'm allowed to have mine, and if I haven't asked for your input, then you can stick to asking questions like “What made you move there?” “What are the people like there?” “How do you like the weather?”

and none of that:

“WHY THE HELL DID YOU MOVE TO KANSAS?”

because I wanted to get away from jerks like you, idiot.


03 July 2014

Jayson



I unwound the purple scarf from my neck. I'm not sure if it was too hot or just too awkward. I tried to look into your blue eyes, but that was hard too. I fiddled with my straw. Some cherry tea. Crossed and uncrossed my legs. Stared off into the corner of the store. Rambled about my job. Observed the other late night coffee-drinkers. Anything I could possibly talk about. When we finally left--oh did you make me laugh. And we found a way to draw the night on

Sometimes it hurts more to love you than it does to make a clean break.

Except that night last week in a moment of weakness I had to throw you a bone.

It started with a seemingly defensive email. But that wasn't the point. The point was I was feeling hurt that you understand. Because you might just know what that loss feels like even after all this time, and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. . .

At the time.

They all know, and you do too, but no one knew what I was feeling. And so that night, you got a one shred of an explanation that I don't think you deserve. And then it was final. You can't get through to me anymore. It hurt me far more than I care to admit.

Don't you see I wanted nothing more than to be friends? We could have been something good, couldn't we? I really cared for you. But maybe I shouldn't have kissed you in the parking lot or maybe I shouldn't have loved you. Or maybe I shouldn't have believed you could care. I wanted you to just be vulnerable with me. Be real with me. Be honest. Treat me with respect.

But it's too late for apologies. And it's too late to miss you.