Because

I've been here in Kansas for six weeks. I still love it. The locals get a little pissy when I make fun of their “small town” (it's the 6^th largest town in the state). A town of about 90k is not small. When I go to classes in Topeka, I learn a lot about the tax laws in the state, and how different it is from California. Of course I noticed the sales tax and personal property tax were higher right away, but income tax is lower, and going down (with the goal of being eliminated). And the Topekans love to tell me how liberal Lawrence is. It's true. Lawrence is the Democratic center of the state. I like learning about my town. There's a lot of historical significance here in the Civil War era because of the wrest between pro-slavery men and the anti-slavery Kansans. There were a lot of Missourians who flooded the polls and voted in favour of slavery to swing the vote. Voter fraud is nothing new.

But when I tell other people I moved to Kansas, immediately, the response is a reaction of almost disgust. Like. "Eww. Kansas. Why would you move where there are rednecks and corn fields and country music?"

When I tell the locals, they just ask how I like it. For the most part, they are incredibly friendly. The reaction when I tell them I'm from San Diego is even better. They're proud I've come here. And they know why I would. Because they can see it too. They don't need me to explain it.

And I'm not going to try to explain it to the people who question me without really wanting to know why. They don't matter. I have my reasons. And they are fluid. One day it's just because I hated where I grew up. One day it's because this is where I have opportunity. One day it's because I spent a week in the Midwest once and I loved it. But every day it's the sum of those parts. And they make a heck of a reason to be here.

I wonder how much better the air is. There is so much less concrete and so much more green. Everywhere. There are woods all over. How much more photosynthesis happens here? How much less smog do I breathe? How much healthier are my lungs? I know I'm healthier, because woods make me want to walk to them, and so I do, and last week I walked some 13 or 14 miles.

It doesn't matter what your ideal place is. I'm allowed to have mine, and if I haven't asked for your input, then you can stick to asking questions like “What made you move there?” “What are the people like there?” “How do you like the weather?”

and none of that:

“WHY THE HELL DID YOU MOVE TO KANSAS?”

because I wanted to get away from jerks like you, idiot.

Jayson

I unwound the purple scarf from my neck. I'm not sure if it was too hot or just too awkward. I tried to look into your blue eyes, but that was hard too. I fiddled with my straw. Some cherry tea. Crossed and uncrossed my legs. Stared off into the corner of the store. Rambled about my job. Observed the other late night coffee-drinkers. Anything I could possibly talk about. When we finally left--oh did you make me laugh. And we found a way to draw the night on

Sometimes it hurts more to love you than it does to make a clean break.

Except that night last week in a moment of weakness I had to throw you a bone.

It started with a seemingly defensive email. But that wasn't the point. The point was I was feeling hurt that you understand. Because you might just know what that loss feels like even after all this time, and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. . .

At the time.

They all know, and you do too, but no one knew what I was feeling. And so that night, you got a one shred of an explanation that I don't think you deserve. And then it was final. You can't get through to me anymore. It hurt me far more than I care to admit.

Don't you see I wanted nothing more than to be friends? We could have been something good, couldn't we? I really cared for you. But maybe I shouldn't have kissed you in the parking lot or maybe I shouldn't have loved you. Or maybe I shouldn't have believed you could care. I wanted you to just be vulnerable with me. Be real with me. Be honest. Treat me with respect.

But it's too late for apologies. And it's too late to miss you.

Sunflower

I am now in the sunflower state. I can't wait till I can see them later this summer.

Sunflower field between Lawrence and Tonganoxie. Source: Window on the Prairie http://windowontheprairie.com/tag/kansas-sunflowers/

We also have buffalo (bison). A.K.A future Colorado burgers. Not kidding, I saw some just a few yards from the road between Topeka and Lawrence when I was on my way here.

The sunsets here are gorgeous.

Near the Wakarusa River, toward Clinton Lake

The weather is a little bipolar. One day it's hot and quite humid and it might even be pouring rain. Not California rain. Over 3 inches in a day, my phone is making obscene noises at one in the morning and telling me to watch myself.

My leather seats were soaked after this storm. My car leaks.

Then we might have a gorgeous clear day with no clouds, and I've got the top down, cruising on the highway in the country, admiring the farms in Tonganoxie. Until after 9. Because it's still warm and it's still light.


Well, beyond the weather-

28 May: I left my mum's  Without much of a plan. Heck, I didn't know when I was moving till I was in the car. And I only told some of my family the night before. The plan was to get to Ridgefield, Utah, stay a night in a motel. Then drive on to Colorado Springs and stay a few days with an old friend. Until I felt it was time to go.

29 May- 3 June: I stayed in Colorado for 6 nights, visiting with my friends. Laughing a lot. Being happy to be home. Because Colorado is a big part of me, and every time I see Pikes Peak, and breathe that mountain air, I just feel happier. For months.

4 June: I continued on to Lawrence, KS. I originally had a hotel for two nights, expecting that I would be able to find a room to rent for a few months, learn the town, then find something more permanent. Turns out that wasn't going to work. I got a third night at the hotel, and ended up finding an apartment Friday, and moving in Saturday. Because surprise, surprise, Kansas is affordable. I have been unemployed for months but with my savings and how much people charge for sublets and room rentals, it was worth getting a small studio.

Toward the end of August, I will be starting school at the University of Kansas. It is the only school I applied to, and I was accepted. I will be starting as a junior at the School of Social Welfare. I am receiving scholarships that will cover just over 40% of tuition, due to my membership in an honor society and some pretty good grades while earning my AA. I still have to pay about 11,000 a year for school plus books, fees and all personal costs. Unfortunately Kansas is also one of those states where minimum wage for tipped employees is $2.13 an hour and minimum wage here is federal ($7.25). I will have to work a HELL of a lot. I can take the chaos, as long as I can find work. Seems that is all I have been doing since I moved-search and search and search. So far, nothing.

I am really looking forward to another tax season with H&R Block as well. I have already tested up one certification level, and once I purchase a new laptop next month and get WiFi service, I hope to test up at least one more to get me ready for Spring!

I have 2-2.5 years left for my B.S.W.  And I really do not know what is next. I intentionally chose KU because it was one of few schools that offered both Social Work and Haitian Creole classes. I want the option to study Creole because I really have a love for Haiti and am considering going there for a few years. Of the dozen or so schools with the option, it's the closest to Colorado. It's right in the middle of the country, a top research school, in an affordable area, and I just like the Midwest. If I get stuck in Kansas, I am okay with that. I love it here. I jokingly asked my mom if I can get a farm. I wanted proximity to Colorado so that if I decide to go there, I can. I intentionally chose a school that gives me options if I want to go work for an NGO in Haiti for a few years or a decade or however long. The thing is I don't know. . .and I don't care. I do know that I am pursuing a dream.

My ultimate goal is to advocate for survivors. For the people who are surviving horrors that are unimaginable. To give them dignity. To give them a voice. To listen to them. To hear what they have to say. To uplift them. To empower them. To be a reason that they can stand and face tomorrow. Social work is about connecting people with resources. It is the humanity in a system.

I choose social work because there is a great deal of flexibility I can have in my career and it is one of the ways I can choose direct, trained advocacy. I certainly intend to pursue an M.S.W., if not multiple additional degrees--but I will narrow my focus as I see what is available for the specific work I want to do, and as I pay down my school loans (darn the educational system!)

Lucy

"I don't know how you can still be friends with Lucy. It's so irritating and rude when she does that to you."

But we were seventeen. And seventeen is young, and sometimes seventeen forgives or doesn't care. Or seventeen really does care but doesn't want to cause drama. Or doesn't quite know why seventeen hangs on.


And now we're a little bit older and a little bit wiser, and maybe Lucy can't be the friend who can cry with me every time I am sad, and maybe Lucy can't be the friend who can come to my rescue at three am when my car won't start. But when I saw Lucy today in the airport for the first time in three years, and we closed the gap of three thousand miles, the first thing we do together. . .

we laugh.

We laugh hard. Like there was never any time or any distance. Like we never exchanged a cross word. Like feelings have never been hurt.

Rachel never did get over that incident. They never bonded. Rachel will never understand why I love Lucy so. They both are such dear friends to me.

And in this time, when so many I have loved have chosen to let hurts overshadow the friendships we had, and to end our great adventures without ever giving a reason (though I have my suspicions), and when the whims of romance come and snatch away the best friend I thought I ever had, and when babies are born, and parenting is understandably demanding, and some friends unfortunately are buried, and some move even further away, and some just disappear in this age of technology. . . Lucy still laughs with me.

We have had ups and downs, but our friendship isn't subject to moods. We have troubles, we get depressed. but mostly we laugh. And laughter is the best medicine. And no matter how sad I am, and no matter how much I hated everything going on, and no matter how much we disagree, we just laugh and my soul feels so alive. And I remember that friendships are all so very different. And I am so blessed to have a friend like Lucy that those few times we talk, she listens, and is so understanding. We can talk about how troubling our lives are without making it sound at all depressing. And for that, I absolutely love her. No friend is perfect. But Lucy is really special. 

Online Banking

I have been talking to a lot of people it seems about my adventures in online banking, and wonder of wonders, a few of my coworkers seem to be asking me for advice on saving.

It makes me laugh. Me, saving?

Not too long ago, the concept of having even a thousand dollars in an emergency fund seemed unattainable. I hardly know how I got there. It may be that the first time I reached--and stayed at over a thousand dollars untouched in my bank account was last year when I received my tax refund. I was refunded about $3400--most of it due to having taxes withheld at a rate higher than I needed to, and promptly put it into a savings account, at an online bank which I did not often use, so I would not touch it. I put some of it into a CD (Certificate of Deposit). And true to its name, the other $2400 was used when I became unemployed in October and the state of California was nearly 3 months behind in paying unemployment benefits. I had no income, and could not find a job. That is what emergency funds are for.  Since my EDD payments have come in, I have replenished my savings accounts over and beyond what I had last year, begun an IRA, and started investing some spare cash. All done within a few months, making very little money. I am proud of myself for scrimping and saving, and skipping eating out, foregoing shopping trips, taking the short way home. All so I can save.

Now that I have given my spiel--let's get to the good stuff. To save, you have got to have a good place to do it. I have found that I love my online banks. I currently have checking accounts at THREE banks, and my IRA is at a credit union. This is normal for me. I have always been someone to have multiple bank accounts because I use them for different things. I have four debit cards in my wallet. I have at least eight different accounts. I like my organised chaos. Because different banks meet different needs.

I'm going to guess you already have an account with a big bank. One like Wells Fargo, Chase, Bank of America, US Bank, etc. They're everywhere, have great hours, pay crappy interest, have high fees, ATMs everywhere, sales pitches galore, have been bailed out by the government, and we love to hate them but can't leave them.  I bank with Bank of America. I loathe them. They have horrid customer service. They pay 0.01%  interest on their Checking accounts if you, like me, have under $10,000 in the account. I use them for the convenience, and nothing else. I can deposit cash in their ATMs and their ATMs are every where. I also have my routing number and account number memorised. Seriously that's about it. But every time the state of California deposits money into my EDD account, which is with BofA, I take it out as soon as I can, because I cannot stand the idea of such a despicable business getting to hold on to thousands of dollars of my money and make a profit off me while they charge me high fees if I make a little mistake, or need to talk to a teller, etc. And they can't be bothered to pay me interest. It might cut into their bottom lines. 3.4 billion dollars and no interest to speak of

So, once I take it out of BofA, what do I do with it? I transfer it! To Ally, or CapitalOne360. Both have amazing customer service. Ally pays 0.25% interest on Checking and CapOne360 pays 0.20%--25 times and 20 times what BofA pays respectively.

Checking and Savings accounts are free at both Ally and CapOne and Savings bear 0.75% and 0.87% interest respectively. Bank of America doesn't even offer free savings unless you have at least $50,000 with them or meet certain minimum balance requirements, or make transfers. With Ally and CapOne, you just open an account, and put money in it (any amount) and watch the interest accrue. No funky rules to follow.

Capital One has slightly lower interest rates than Ally but it has plenty of its own merits. I prefer to use Ally for money that will be sitting around for a while and Capital One for my checking account that actually gets used, and the Emergency Fund that is linked to it for easy saving. My tax refunds go to Ally for higher interest, and my CD is with Ally. The customer service is spectacular at both, and I have never had a problem with either. I have been with CapOne360 since September of 2011, and for nearly 3 years I was being paid through their Person to Person transfer (this is back before Capital One bought the original bank, ING) I actually didn't like Capital One due to some earlier experiences with them, but I have to say, they have done really well. I have been with Ally at least a year and a half.

To open an account, you do need a credit history as I recently learned. It doesn't have to a good credit score. Just a credit history.  I tried to refer my cousin and help her open one. We went through the process of verifying her identity and everything, and they denied her because she has zero credit history. And when you open accounts with online banks, they do go through extra steps to verify your identity. It also takes a few days because you have to link to an existing account they will make a few very small transfers ( a few cents) back and forth to verify the account is actually yours and you are who you say you are. This is due to federal banking regulation under the US Patriot Act. It's nothing hinky. They really do need to get all that personal info.

Capital One 360 frequently has promotions. If you are interested in trying them out, and earning $50, leave me a comment, or send a private post on G+ and I can refer you. Who doesn't love free money? I started my account with a $50 bonus and it turns out they have become one of my favourite banks.

Filled

I want to talk again about Marina Keegan. Because the words she wrote float around in my head. She asked the questions I ask. But she could do it more eloquently than I could. Because, well, writing was her gift.
She wrote:

Standing outside a freshman dorm, I couldn’t find a single student aspiring to be a banker – but at commencement this May, there’s a 50 percent chance I’ll be sitting next to one. This strikes me as incredibly sad.

Nicholas Kristof wrote about her and gives us some good things to think about.

It took me forever to finally decide on a college degree. Ms. Keegan may have figured out what she wanted to do by 22, but I am just now getting that figured out. She and I were just a few weeks apart in age. I've been out of high school long enough to get a graduate degree or two, but I had no clue what to do with my life. It's so expensive out here, and I didn't know how I could support myself and also be happy with my life. And I wasn't willing to go get a college degree for the sake of getting on. Especially since I have financed my own college education.

And so years, of asking myself questions. While working on my AA, and working to work, and working in a job I actually loved. And working in a career I felt mattered. Even if it wasn't what I wanted to do forever.

What is fulfilling?
Does my work matter?
Am I pursuing something that makes me happy, and will I still feel the same way when I retire?
How do I affect other people with my work?
Can I alter the way I go about my work to make it more fulfilling?

It took way too long to figure out what I want. Way too long to know that now it may be longer till I can go to school.

Being a twenty-something can really suck

The Opposite of Loneliness

 Marina Keegan wrote this essay two years ago, just before she graduated from Yale. She died a week after her graduation in a car accident.

We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life. What I’m grateful and thankful to have found at Yale, and what I’m scared of losing when we wake up tomorrow and leave this place.
It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats.
Yale is full of tiny circles we pull around ourselves. A cappella groups, sports teams, houses, societies, clubs. These tiny groups that make us feel loved and safe and part of something even on our loneliest nights when we stumble home to our computers — partner-less, tired, awake. We won’t have those next year. We won’t live on the same block as all our friends. We won’t have a bunch of group-texts.
This scares me. More than finding the right job or city or spouse – I’m scared of losing this web we’re in. This elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness. This feeling I feel right now.
But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. They’re part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or didn’t live in New York. I plan on having parties when I’m 30. I plan on having fun when I’m old. Any notion of THE BEST years comes from clichéd “should haves…” “if I’d…” “wish I’d…”

Out of my Reach

Selfie. Last year's word of the year, as picked by Oxford dictionary. Because we are so obsessed with taking pictures of ourselves for the world to see, filtered, and posted online for likes, comments, and the praise we so desperately crave

There's even an anthem for our narcissism.


And there is an app called Facefeed, also centred around the selfie. Users snap photos of themselves and can chat with other users whom they find visually appealing. Be careful not to use if you have a fragile ego and subpar appearance--Because you will also be ranked according to popularity. So remember, good lighting, tilt your chin up slightly, smile, hold the camera above you, blah blah blah.

But a selfie is so incomplete. There's so much missing from an arm's length away. Beside the fact that it is impossible to get the whole picture, literally, there are things we miss after that extra coat of lip gloss, loose hairs pinned back, teeth checked for remnants of the latest fad diet.

We can get so wrapped up in what image is being seen by our Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Google, Tumblr and other followers and completely forget about the other picture. They might know what our faces look like (only with makeup/filters/in good lighting/with a smile) but would the people who know us online even know a thing about us by the things we do? Could we dare to be known for our deeds and not our appearance?

Could we be something for the history books and not the best-dressed in the yearbooks? Because the next generation won't give a hoot. . . They'll learn instead how many people were exploited to make the cell phones with the fancy cameras for your bathroom photoshoots--and that you did nothing. Unless of course, you change that. Leave a mark on this world that is something beyond a web page devoted to yourself. Leave something that can't--and won't be deleted with one click. Leave one for the history books. Enrich your life with something bigger than yourself, dream bigger goals than gaining the admiration of the internet, and let the pictures of you be the ones taken from beyond your reach. Whether they're photographs or not. Let your story be written by the people whose lives you change.

Selfies aren't evil. It's ok to take them. At least I think so. In my humble opinion, I the lowly blogger say go for it. But don't be consumed. Don't give a shit if you don't get enough likes or plusses or comments. Don't spend so much time in the bathroom snapping photos that your family starts wondering if you are having medical problems.

Smile, not just for the camera, but for the strangers on the street. Tilt your chin up, but also walk with your head held high because you know that you are living your life to the fullest. Stand in the light, let it shine in your eyes, and be light to other people who are having a dark day.