Jayson

I unwound the purple scarf from my neck. I'm not sure if it was too hot or just too awkward. I tried to look into your blue eyes, but that was hard too. I fiddled with my straw. Some cherry tea. Crossed and uncrossed my legs. Stared off into the corner of the store. Rambled about my job. Observed the other late night coffee-drinkers. Anything I could possibly talk about. When we finally left--oh did you make me laugh. And we found a way to draw the night on

Sometimes it hurts more to love you than it does to make a clean break.

Except that night last week in a moment of weakness I had to throw you a bone.

It started with a seemingly defensive email. But that wasn't the point. The point was I was feeling hurt that you understand. Because you might just know what that loss feels like even after all this time, and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. . .

At the time.

They all know, and you do too, but no one knew what I was feeling. And so that night, you got a one shred of an explanation that I don't think you deserve. And then it was final. You can't get through to me anymore. It hurt me far more than I care to admit.

Don't you see I wanted nothing more than to be friends? We could have been something good, couldn't we? I really cared for you. But maybe I shouldn't have kissed you in the parking lot or maybe I shouldn't have loved you. Or maybe I shouldn't have believed you could care. I wanted you to just be vulnerable with me. Be real with me. Be honest. Treat me with respect.

But it's too late for apologies. And it's too late to miss you.