Deep breath

I hesitate.

It's so new, but I know. I'm afraid. Do you feel the same way? I'm afraid of what fades. I'm afraid of putting myself out there. And failing. And making a fool of myself. And finding people don't see the same things I do, feel the same feelings I do, that you don't love me like I love you.

I'm too realistic though, and my statistics and likelihoods and practicalities aren't romantic or sexy.

I hesitate, but I know.

True

I thought once that it was true. I'd talk, and that one would always have to respond. Advice, judgement, anything to hear himself speak. But I thought it was true. Even when I said no, it could still be true.

True is listening. True is there in need. True doesn't always have an answer, but that's OK.

True, I spilled my fucking guts the other night, and I'm still scared because of it, and it hurt to admit how much that one destroyed me. I showed my weakness, and it was actually alright. And in a moment of need, the True friend isn't just conveniently located, but also the first call. It's the best feeling to have.

Sunflowers

Maybe it's getting older or maybe it's getting wiser. Maybe it's hurt, or maybe it's love. Something changes. I recently tried to tell my friend why we were the way we were but prefrontal cortices aside,  the heart knows what the heart knows. Some days Taylor Swift understands me, and some days I'm wildly in love with you. And yesterday or tomorrow I might just want to scream and kick and cry because everything hurts and everything sucks. Life goes on. Time is changing and sunflowers are here. Winter will come and go and I'm running out of time to make life-changing decisions. Even so, life goes on, and love, you will too.

I'm afraid of getting too caught up in my own life and missing the interruptions that make it amazing.

Forgiven

It's the slow burning sunsets and those dog-days of summer, almost painfully loud with the romance of the cicadas, bright with the twinkling dance of the fireflies.

Or maybe it was spring, when the trees burst into great green flowering masses, the fields began whispering, and the flowers all took their turns displaying vibrant colours. Pink, red, orange, yellow, purple.

I stand on the shore of our very own lake and let the breeze chill me. Sunny days it's a peaceful blue lake, begging to be felt. Cloudy days it's a rough and green like the sea.

The sounds drown out my screams. The colours are forgiveness. The heat, no matter how much I hate it, it melts everything, everything away. Rain is the pause between each scene. Hot rain, cold rain, loud rain, stormy rain, peaceful rain.

The sunflowers will come and then the colours and the sounds fade. It's the quietness, and the unforgiving bitter cold and brown of Kansas that reminds me what a horrible place it is.

I'll love winter again when I escape this hellhole of destitution.

American Charity

Yesterday NPR published a story highlighting the massive, ineffective fundraising efforts done by the American Red Cross, and what it doesn't mean for Haiti.

Why is Haiti still struggling so? It seems the American Red Cross practices a form of imperialistic charity, using American methodology that is costly, ineffective, and does not work in a country that is vastly different than our own. Not that I could ever say our own policies are most effective when they're drowned in paperwork, management costs, and such. That is a time when you allow an American to deliver the aid, and work with a Haitian team to implement it.

We've all been told to be careful who we give to, and research our charities, especially after it came out last month that 187 million dollars were raised for fake cancer charities. But I don't think Charity Navigator is necessarily the best way to do your research. It can be a useful tool when giving to a large organization.

I think we can do better. Large charities often have more resources, but they can be impeded by policy and internal bureaucracy. Grassroots efforts, on the other hand, often exist in places you may have never heard of, and they have to get creative with their limited resources. Don't be afraid to get involved in your community, and to like the Facebook page of a small effort that does work you care about. Learn about what they do, and if you get a chance, talk to the people who are involved--volunteers, organizers, clients, and even the founders.. The relationships you can develop in charitable involvement, whether it be through fundraising, volunteering, or donations--can tell you a lot about the organization. The synergy of the big charity working with a small grassroots organization, I believe is how we achieve the most useful aid.

I used to be a huge advocate for researching charities on Charity Navigator. I gave to Compassion and I was impressed by their very high ratings. They just happen to be large enough to have those ratings. That is not what made them stand out to me. It was the relationships I had with employees of Compassion, their accountability, and dedication to holistic practice. Relief is not one size fits all--and it has to be done as it works for the community, using the people who know the community as much as possible. This is something the Red Cross has failed to see. Since then, I have increasingly given to smaller and smaller charities. The kind that you have never heard of, that have a few staff members (sometimes unpaid), and they are incredibly dedicated. These are people who dedicate their lives to their work. They're the charities I find out about because they might be involved with volunteer work I do, such as iSanctuary, which helps survivors of trafficking in Mumbai and Orange County. They sell handmade jewellery and accessories in shops all over the county and I have them as my Amazon Smile charity!

I also cannot recommend enough the following three young women and the organizations they founded. They love children more than life, and I trust them with my donations. I have given to them over the past few years, and watched their love only grow. And now they all have real websites!

Narges Ashtari, Prishan Foundation--started an orphanage in Rayagada and a home for blind children in Mukundupur

Megan Boudreax, Respire Haiti--started a school for the most vulnerable children in Gressier, Haiti

Morgan Weinberg, LittleFootprints, Big Steps--provides holistic care and education for Haitian children who have suffered abuse, slavery, or homelessness, with a goal of permanency.

Honestly, I would say that Ms. Weinberg, at 23 years old, has probably done more for Haiti in the past few years than the American Red Cross has with hundreds of millions of dollars. She has changed the lives of the children and families around her, and LFBS employs ONLY Haitian staff, as a commitment to development in Haiti. She believes in permanency and LFBS while the Red Cross, has built only 6 permanent homes.

first move.

I was driving from Texas to Colorado. I had no job, and no home.

Seven years ago today was one of the grandest days of my life.

I'd just begun my wandering, and it was this day upon which much of the rest of my life depended.

There is no way to describe it other than crazy. I had left California with my car, a couple weeks' pay, and whatever fit in a laundry basket in the backseat and a couple of small boxes in the trunk. I drove to El Paso, met a few friends out there, stayed a few days, and then headed north to Colorado to interview with this family I connected with online.

I was a few minutes late. I had to call them and let them know that I hit unexpected traffic in Colorado. I was a teenager, after all, and this was before cell phones all came with GPS, and my directions were printed off of either Google or MapQuest (we actually still liked MQ back then).

An hour after arriving in CO, I had a job, a home, and what I didn't know, was my life was forever changed.

There's something to be said for the change I experienced in myself once I saw that chutzpah--and outright teenage foolishness--that demanded a change in scenery, a better life, and made it happen. People commented on my "big scary move to Kansas". Trust me, moving in my twenties, to go to a college, with resources, and community, and having all my work history, education, and everything I've already done to go back on--not to mention a few thousand dollars, made moving seem so small.

I did it all as a teenager with none of that, Check.

There's also the change I saw from working for the wonderful family who hired me. They had a profound impact on me, and I would not be where I am without them. Let me put it this way: they inspired an acting love for the marginalized people in society, that is without a doubt one of the direct reasons I am pursuing a degree in social work. They helped me answer the questions of how do I use my passion in a realistic way to do good?

So here's to those seven years, and to that day, that has so greatly determined the course of my life.

Expectations

Life isn't always, or rather isn't ever what we expected it to be, is it?

I was so satisfied when I first moved to Kansas.

I felt so completed by my school program.

I hate them both.

Let me set this part straight: I have met some wonderful people here, and I do not regret knowing them for a minute. I also think that working and living in this state will be of professional benefit, especially after I escape. How can I better advocate for people living and working in poverty with few resources unless I have also been there myself?

I lived in poverty as a child, but my mother shielded my from it. We also lived in California, and while things were certainly different a couple decades ago, I have come to recognize that California has a wealth of resources even at its worst. I live in one of the largest, most liberal cities in Kansas, and it is severely lacking in resources I thought were basic. Like mental health centers, reproductive health centers, certain social services, etc.

I love the adventure of moving around, but when it comes to the goodbyes, and having my friends spread all about the country, that part sucks. It makes me afraid to create deep relationships, or find better jobs or activities, while at the same time, I know how important they are. I'm simply afraid of something (someone) to hold me down here, because of how much I hate it. I don't want circumstances to make me feel stuck.