chutzpah

noun:

informal

1. shameless audacity; impudence.

   "love him or hate him, you have to admire Cohen's chutzpah"

I meant for this to come so many weeks ago, but life has a way of smothering me at the worst times. 

Every year, starting in the Fall I feel acutely aware of my Judaism. I begin to swear in Yiddish, I talk about the God I don't believe in, I talk about the Hanukkah miracle I believe might have happened because of some Jewish luck less than divine intervention. I consider eating sufganiyot in celebration--and forget--and go another year without lighting a single candle because my menorah, my family, and my traditions are 1,000 miles away.

But I can mutter and swear random Yiddish and Hebrew words I suppose, to feel a little more Jewish.

Chutzpah has been rolling around in my mind for months. It carries a lot of meaning beyond the testicular fortitude we might use it to mean. It's unabashed strength and courage and so much purer (maybe because it doesn't smell like ball sweat). 

As I've become a little bit older and less afraid of the sexism accompanying words like "bossy", I appreciate the tenacity in others and myself when working for positive change. I'm a social worker and we believe in change-making. But I'm also a self-described policy nerd and I will read the heck out of policy books and laws and advocate for changes. The changes I want are ones that serve marginalized communities. They're not always popular, certainly not always easy and sometimes just seem insurmountable.

And that's why I'm hoping one of those little Yiddish words will stick around all year round. I'm here to be bold, and shameless and loud. And when I speak for something, oh boy, let's hope I got some real chutzpah rolling up with me.