waves

there is a certain kind of solitude in the waves, a quiet breaking through the sounds of crashing, children playing, life going on in everyone's own little individual world. they're better with company but no matter how many people ride them next to me, no one rides them with me. the ocean inspires awe and demands respect, she is relentless and will not be stopped. growing up oceanside meant learning to expect the waves and learning to read them. there is a rhythm, sometimes syncopated, surprises are expected, lulls can mean one of two opposite things coming next, or sometimes nothing changes at all. over, under, through. over, under, or through? decisions made in milliseconds, every single time.

emotions are currents. they bring waves, and i have no control over them, just decisions to make. how do i handle them? can i coast through, do i need to steel myself, take in extra air? no matter how many i have ridden, sometimes there's something so unexpected, rough, chaotic, turning me in crooked somersaults under water, craving air, fighting to control panic, keep my suit in place, remembering where the floor is and rapidly interpreting little changes telling me when i can come up. no one rides it with me.

time and experience is my teacher, and every crash is a lesson, carefully catalogued, studied, something to anticipate next time. each subsequent crash mitigated by new information, better planning, knowing what to expect.

a few years ago i was fucking taken for a ride, and i nearly drowned. but i didn't. every moment underwater terrified me, and i started to panic. coming up for air was sudden, lifesaving, remembered. the time afterward a time of reflection, study.

i just got knocked over by another unexpected wave and momentarily panicked before remembering what to do. i kept track of the floor, ready to spring off it up for air when i found a lull, and i made it. and so i study the sequence, because i'm not going to die next time, either. no one rode it with me, but several rode beside me.



all is well(butrin)